A Discussion with Heather Parrish

I would encourage you [Caregiver/Loved One] to allow the cancer fighter to express whatever emotion they are feeling in the moment, without trying to fix the situation.

During two back-to-back battles with cancer, Heather Parrish, proprietor of Montgomery’s Southern Art & Makers Collective gallery and shop, learned the limits of her own tenacity and how the simplest forms of help often matter the most.

Please tell me a little bit about your cancer diagnosis and treatment.  My journey to diagnosis was a lengthy one. It started when I was 31 years old. On August 31, 2006, I started running a fever that would last several weeks. From that point until December 28, I had multiple symptoms that kept me a regular at my general practitioner’s office. Sever fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, weight loss and other symptoms were thought to be other maladies. However, due to my beloved general practitioner’s amazing medical detective skills (thank you Dr. Scott Bell), it was discovered to be ovarian cancer. A that point (March2007), I had surgery to remove the mass and my left ovary. Much to my oncology team’s disapproval, I choose not to undergo chemo after the surgery. Fast forward to December 2008: I found out that I needed to have a total hysterectomy. After the hysterectomy, I started having symptoms that I had before the hysterectomy. Once again my amazing medical detective, Dr. Scott Bell discovered that these symptoms were being cause by uterine cancer. At that point, in March 2009, I chose to undergo radiation and chemotherapy at the Montgomery Cancer Center under Dr. Stephen Davidson.

Through the treatment process and after, what did you want and need from your friends and family? Whew, this is tough to answer. By my nature, I am a nurturer. I love to help people but am not so great at receiving or asking for help. By the time I had reached radiation and chemo, I was so tired of being in pain. I wanted to shield my parents, friends and family from as much of the process as possible, because it was brutal. I was experiencing tremendous physical pain due to where the uterine cancer mas was located. It was sitting at the base of my spine on top of my sciatic nerve. Also due to the chemo meds, I started withdrawing because I just didn’t have emotional energy for conversations. I needed my people to let me ask for help when I wanted to and not insist that I do what they thought I should do.

What forms of help and support really stood out? A couple of my defining characteristics, in my opinion, are that I am tenacious and persistent. I have a fight in me. I typically am very independent. This attitude came in quite handy as I was battling cancer, but even I have my limits. One time during the chemo process, I was grocery shopping. (Yes, I insisted on doing my own grocery shopping.) I found myself not being able to unload the groceries due to exhaustion. So, I called a dear friend that I joke is my twin brother from another mother and asked if he would come unload my groceries for me. Without hesitation he came to my aide. It’s been more than 11 years, but I treasure that moment to this day.

What one thing that you did for yourself most helped you cope? Prior to being diagnosed with cancer, I considered myself a person of faith. I had a relationship with Father God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. However, we really got to know each other through my cancer journey. I spent a lot of time with just me and God. And I would talk to Him. I would cling to promises from scripture. In the really horrible moments of despair, I would repeat to myself that “It won’t always be this way!”

I spent a lot of time with just me and God.

What advice would you give others on how to help their loved one going through cancer treatment? WOW! What a tricky, delicate position caregivers, family and friends are in. First, I would encourage you to allow the cancer fighter to express whatever emotion they are feeling in the moment, without trying to fix the situation. (So hard.) Second, respect their decisions. It doesn’t matter if you don’t agree. You can share your concerns, but ultimately, it is their fight and their choice. Third, get help. This will be one of the most challenging experiences you and your cancer fighter will go through. You will need emotional and possibly physical support. Taking care of yourself emotionally and physically will be the best gift you can give to your cancer fighter. Lastly, check your words. It is so hard to know what to say. Sometimes, people who haven’t gone through a cancer diagnosis will want to offer encouragement, but it isn’t necessarily what the cancer fighter needs to hear. If you want to express concern of any other emotion, there are wonderful tools that you can access to give you talking points that will be more beneficial to your cancer fighter.

For more inspiring survivor stories, check out these Joy to Life podcasts.